we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
FUCK WHALES
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
