you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Houston, we have a blender
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
