i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
