Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
