hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
