ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
