We're facebook friends in real life
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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