I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
