FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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