I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
