I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
