i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
