watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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