You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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