The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
try to milk me bitch
I think i got beer on your cat.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
