Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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