so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
