Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize