my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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