she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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