I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He did a backflip because drugs
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