In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
