I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
