some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It was a blind-side dick pic.