dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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