my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
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