Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The air taste purple.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
