Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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