i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize