I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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