The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
