why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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