why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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