You just made me feel so damn special
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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