my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
