I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
