I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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