hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
