my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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