I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
