I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
