White coat. Heels.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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