Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
