and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
