On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
