The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
