We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
zippers are such a cool invention
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
