please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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