I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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