Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
