was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
