Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
