You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
