I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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